If you have stumbled across this blog, check out part 1 here first https://www.beingwellholistichealth.com/post/i-spent-my-whole-life-feeling-fat
I have so many memories of feeling fat, how fat am I, I often asked myself, I was often called chubby, I was bullied for my weight and I remember even my own Father used to say I have thunder thighs ( yes he may have been joking, but those words still seep deep within)
So 28 years of not feeling enough, feeling a failure, and constantly comparing myself to others, being jealous of the slim pretty girls at school, I even noticed that the feeling of feeling dirty came with being and feeling fat.
See growing up you create so many beliefs from your experiences, what you see and what you feel. I started believing that I was not good enough, I was ugly, fat and unlovable, I was always going to be this way, and no matter what I tried nothing will work, that still didn’t stop me trying though.
I remember one specific time, I can still visualise it in my head. A group of lads who went to my school, one particular one was always horrible to me, but then sometimes he would be nice, especially when he was alone. They were sat on the bench at the youth club and as my friends and I walked past he shouted out TellyTubby, I felt the world swallow me up, shame, sadness, and upset hit me all at once like a brick to the head.
That specific statement stayed with me my whole life up until a couple of years ago, anytime I heard that word in any context it would bring up this horrible, uncomfortable and painful feeling.
It is crazy how words can be so powerfully detrimental to one’s mental health, and we can carry those painful words around in a rucksack for years and years, without even knowing so.
They do say sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always hurt me, don’t they…. This saying couldn’t be truer.
How were the other girls so slim?
What were they doing that I wasn’t?
How can I lose weight?
How can I look like them?
These were all questions I asked myself.
It is actually really fricking tough being a child, and being a teen, there is so much pressure and so much going on. The internal fight within, is serious.
Now I do the work I do, I see that it doesn’t matter whether you was fat, slim, rich, poor, popular or quiet, they all come with their own traumas, insecurities and problems, I work with supporting people with healing their Inner Child and this has seriously been such a HUGE eye opener for me.
I know so many Adults who have similar stories, being bullied, never feeling enough, feeling like a failure, and the list goes on.
Throughout my 20’s I gained weight, lost weight, gained weight, lost weight and the cycle continues.
Fast Forward to a few years ago, I had been a PT for a few years now, I started to notice patterns with the Women who were coming to me, they mostly didn’t feel good enough, they were unhappy with their bodies, they were hyper focused on wanting to lose weight, wanted to change their bodies, and would do anything to get there. Obsessed with the scales and with their measurements.
None of them really understood deeply why they were chasing that ‘desired look’ and even when they did lose weight, get strong and their bodies changed, they still weren’t happy. Always chasing and wanting more.
I also noticed there seemed to be an urgency, they would want results quick with minimal effort, now I see there was very little connection to their bodies, lives and little to no awareness of their mind and body.
I also realised that I was also in the same boat.
I often heard; I want this, shout at me, make me work hard, make me sweat, I want to lose this much weight, I want to lose this many inches and the list goes on.
As I reflect on this now it breaks my heart that as Women we feel so unfulfilled that we have to seek being shouted at to work our bodies ragged, when they are already worn out, overworked and run down, all to seek a desired ‘ look’.
As time went on, on my Personal Training Journey, I started to see that my clients were tending to talk more, voice what they were going through in their lives, some would even sack off the physical part of their training to chat, or to be heard.
I observed this for a bit, and noticed that most of these Women are truly struggling with everything in life, they have no balance, no support, they people please, they are always on the go, they have continually struggled with their weight, confidence and self image.
These Women were seeking a break, a connection, to be seen, to be heard, and without even knowing themselves they thought if they lost weight they would reach these outcomes. Because we have been conditioned to believe that Slim Women have it all together, their life is balanced, they have no worries, they are wanted, they are seen, they are heard, they are successful and people like them. Who likes fat people right?
How messed up is this…..
Part 3 coming soon, sign up to the blog and you will be notified when the next part lands :0)
If you would like to join my program Fed up of Feeling Fat, check it out here https://www.beingwellholistichealth.com/challenges
This is a program designed to help you get out of all the above and to really journey within.
We also run Healing and Self Discovery Retreats, check them out here https://www.beingwellholistichealth.com/retreats
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